What I should talk about so I'm just going to talk. I'm a bit tipsy, not much, but enought ohave to think about typing so I've had a couple. Anywhoze, so where I'm at now? I'm on vacation. I got 5 weeks coming to me and I'm not really sure how to what say it. I'm in some sort of weird phunk. I'm like, I don't know, not happy with something. I don't know how to explain it. Here's a good example, I'm the VAC president and I haven't done one single thing regarding this. I think about doing work on VAC stuff and I just get tired. Its like I just don't have the motivation that's required to get anything accomplished. If I decide to spend the night reading, I spend it in guilt worry about how much time I'm losing doing other "constructive" stuff.

Its messed up. Even on vacation, I'm not really on vacation. Now I'm not crying out like poor me or any of that nonsense. When I sit back and reflect on the things that I've accomplished, I'm generally happy about it, but it just seems like I'm too all over the place and doing sub-par jobs across the board and not giving anything my all. Its been waying on me heavy lately and bothering the hell out of me. Why should I feel guilty about spending a night reading, right? I don't know. I think that's part of who I am and part of what I came here to figure out.

When I think about what I thought the Peace Corps was going to be, I was like, this is going to be a walk in the park. I'll spend most of my days reading and when I'm not reading, I'll do fun stuff like socialize and not worry about anything. Hell, it would take a lot of reading to ever really get me to that point, but sometimes it does happen. Now, I feel like I'm just a feather blowing in some angel of the apocalypse's wing. It seems overwhelming, almost overpowering. I don't know how to handle it.

I know how I've handled this stuff in the past, I'd lay in bed and read until everything sort of blew over, then i'd head out of the house, apologize, do what I could and that would be that. Now, I don't have that luxury. I can't retreat and find solace in the nothing. What the hell am I talking about? I don't really know honestly.

When I drink I drink too much. Blinking Cursor, I'll let that one percolate. Blink... Blink...

What I need to do is figure out where "there" is. I haven't yet, and that's part of the reason, I guess. I know that I miss my friends right now. Megan, 513, I miss the hell out of you guys. Phi Kap, whazzup. Could use some easy friend time and just relax.

Well good things are coming down the pipeline. I'm taking a "holiday" over to the big NZ and I'm spending about 12 solid days just relaxing. I'm going to go snowboarding in the south island, that's something I always wanted to do and I've got a conference for school for the first couple of days, but other than that, the days are mine.

I find the fact that I've got to get out of Tonga for some honest to goodness peace and quiet overwhelmingly ironic. Isn't that why I joined in the first place? I have no idea anymore about anything really. Once, I thought I had a handle, but now, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about or thinking about. Such is life, I guess.

Enough of the philosophical for now. Got an email last week from the best teacher I've ever had in my life. Mr. S. knows my mom who, of course, birthed me, and relayed the word. Life is good there. Writing that letter to Mr. S. made me feel great, even for just a little while. It reminds me how much I really love teaching. Blink.... Blink... Cursor... Cursor...

Oh yeah, frank left. Let me see if I can find a picture of said palangi... Nope. Later I guess. Alright, enough of the freebasing. I'm gonna read a little papillion and get to sleep. You know I'm rhyming with D-O-Double-G... I'm tired and whiny. 1 comments - Post a Comment

• eh... namu ta'e... tapuni ho ngutu eh... nau lapa'i koe ke to ki lalo mate eh... namu siko... si'i me'a... namu ta'e palangi eh...??
  # posted by Tevita Hafoka : 10/19/2005 10:02 AM